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Golf vs Sex
"Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~ Billy Graham
Jimmy DeMaret once said, "Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them!"
May thy ball lie in green pastures and not in still waters. ~ Bob Hope
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~ Mark Twain
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~ Gardner Dickinson
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe!
World's WORST golf swing video-- http://www.worldsworstswing.com/outakes.html
WATCH OUT FOR BEARS!!!
Some people think
that golfing in the South is dangerous with snakes,
alligators and other critters. Well, Montana has the same problem,
with all the bears.
The Montana State
Department of Fish and Wildlife is now advising golfers
to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the
Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, so not to startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
ALL Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Some West Bend C.C. History:
Tom comes home after his regular round of golf and his wife
Mary asks “why
he doesn’t include Randy in his golf game anymore.” Tom says “would you
want to play with a guy who NEVER shows up on time, swears up a storm, doesn't
tell the truth, always inconsiderate, complains about everything, starts
fights with other groups, and has nothing nice to say about
anybody?” Of course I wouldn’t says Mary. Well- Tom says “neither would
Randy.”
LIGHTNING DELAY AT RIVERDALE !
During a lightning storm at Riverdale, four great NEWGA names(Erdmann, Pantel, Klima and Soupy) were huddle under the tall tree by number 11 green. With severe lightning fast approaching and fearing for his life, Soupy grabbed the putter from Pantel's bag and took off running for the clubhouse-waving Pantel's putter all the way. Klima was telling Pantel he was impressed with Soupy trying to save the putter from the lightning, when Erdmann commented, "hell- he is not saving the putter, Soupy knows that even God couldn't hit that thing"!
| Hey,
Sandbaggers---for you!!! A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes. "Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone." "No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro. The Pro then called a Caddy. "Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16." The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap, however, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you." After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy. The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain. "I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is the number 17 handicap hole, so you don't get a shot here." TEE
SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Laws of Golf:
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LAW:
1
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| No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. |
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LAW:
2
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| Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. |
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LAW:
3
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| Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. |
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LAW:
4
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| Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. |
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LAW: 5
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| No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. |
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LAW: 6
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| The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. |
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LAW: 7
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| Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. |
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LAW: 8
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| Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. |
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LAW: 9
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| Palm trees eat golf balls. |
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LAW: 10
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| Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? |
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LAW: 11
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| Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. |
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LAW: 12
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| A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. |
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LAW: 13
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| All 3-woods are demon-possessed. |
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LAW: 14
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| Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3). |
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LAW: 15
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| A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. |
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LAW: 16
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| "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." |
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LAW: 17
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| The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. |
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LAW: 18
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| The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. |
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LAW: 19
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| Golf should be given up at least twice per month. |
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LAW: 20
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| All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset. |
Do you know some good golf humor? email to: warp7777@aol.com