Golf vs Sex
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink   this putt," the
golfer mumbles to himself.
 Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you
be willing to give up one-fourth  of your sex life?"
 Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be   meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure,"
and  sinks the putt  Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,

"Gee, I  sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

 The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,  "Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of  your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an  eagle.
 On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side
and says, "Would  winning this match be worth giving up the rest of
your  sex life?"
 "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
 As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along
side him and says, "I haven't  really been fair with you because you
don't know who  I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you
will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

A lady golfer goes home after a long day at the golf course. She walks into the house and slugs her husband! He gets up off the floor and with a dazed look says, "why did you do that?" She responds, "I've been hitting EVERYTHING fat today!"




Golf Truisms:

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing,

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to be worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt for a 10.

Counting on  your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as "chalant" putts. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad things come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.      

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....  that is why I get so many calls to play.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're  sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his  sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and,eat hot dogs  if you are performing brain surgery.

 

 

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~ Billy Graham

Jimmy DeMaret once said, "Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them!"

May thy ball lie in green pastures and not in still waters. ~ Bob Hope

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~ Mark Twain

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~ Gardner Dickinson

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe!

 

World's WORST golf swing video-- http://www.worldsworstswing.com/outakes.html

WATCH OUT FOR BEARS!!!

Some people think that golfing in the South is dangerous with snakes, alligators and other critters.  Well, Montana has the same problem, with all the bears.
 

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is now advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.
 

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, so not to startle the bears unexpectedly. 

 

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

 

ALL Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

 

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

 

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

 

Some West Bend C.C. History:  Tom comes home after his regular round of golf and his wife Mary asks “why he doesn’t include Randy in his golf game anymore.” Tom says “would you want to play with a guy who NEVER shows up on time, swears up a storm, doesn't tell the truth, always inconsiderate, complains about everything, starts fights with other groups, and has nothing nice to say about anybody?” Of course I wouldn’t says Mary.   Well- Tom says “neither would Randy.”

 

 

 

LIGHTNING DELAY AT  RIVERDALE !

During a lightning storm at Riverdale, four great NEWGA names(Erdmann, Pantel, Klima and Soupy) were huddle under the tall tree by number 11 green. With severe lightning fast approaching and fearing for his life, Soupy grabbed the putter from Pantel's bag and took off running for the clubhouse-waving Pantel's putter all the way. Klima was telling Pantel he was impressed with Soupy trying to save the putter from the lightning, when Erdmann commented, "hell- he is not saving the putter, Soupy knows that even God couldn't hit that thing"!

 

       Hey, Sandbaggers---for you!!!

A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa.  He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf.  He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes. 
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit.
"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.  The Pro then called a Caddy.  "Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap, however, he paid it no more attention.  The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder.  Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.  "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.  Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees.  He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.  The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.  "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. 

"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.  Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes.  As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.  "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green.
The businessman's ball came up just short of the green
and rolled back to the edge of the water.  He had a shot.
However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play.  As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg.  As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain. 
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is the number 17 handicap hole,  so you don't get a shot here."

TEE SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

A lady is standing over her tee shot, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... Her partner says, "What's taking so long?" The first gal says, "My husband is watching on the clubhouse porch, so I want to make a perfect shot." Her partner says, "Forget it...you'll never hit him from here."

Laws of Golf:

LAW: 1
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW: 2
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW: 3
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW: 4
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW: 5
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW: 6
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW: 7
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW: 8
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW: 9
Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW: 10
Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW: 11
Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW: 12
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW: 13
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW: 14
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3).
LAW: 15
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW: 16
"Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW: 17
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW: 18
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW: 19
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW: 20
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.


Do you know some good golf humor? email to:   warp7777@aol.com