"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye".
   
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

 

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work".   ~ Lee Trevino
 

 

 

 

A priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The doctor said, "I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"

The businessman called out, "Move it you guys, time is money."

The priest said, "Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!" Said the priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $350,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls."

The Scotsman said, "Why kin they not f****ing play at night?"
 
 

 

 

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, 'You are spectacular and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?'  Mickelson replied, 'The holes are numbered.'

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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son?'
    The young man said, 'An 8 iron, father. How about you?'
    The priest said, ' I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'
    The young man hit his 8 iron and put the ball on the green.
    The priest topped his 7 iron and dribbled the ball out a few yards.
    The young man said, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'


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    Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5 iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asked, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?'
    'Yes' says the woman.
    'Did you hit him with that golf club?'
    'Yes, yes, I did.' The woman began to sob, dropped the club, and puts her hands on her face.
    'How many times did you hit him?'
    'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five '

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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
    He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him!

    As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, 'Are you a good golfer'?
    To which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I ?!?! '

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 The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
    She said: 'What are your golf clubs doing here'?
    He looked her right in the eye and said, 'This isn't going to take all day, is it?'

She then hit him and knocked him down! Dazed, he asked her why she hit him. She said she had ALREADY played golf BEFORE coming to the church and was hitting EVERYTHING fat !!!